life has been kind of going to shit. my brother's gone insane and i dont recognize him anymore. I think he has schizophrenia. I havent visited my mom in a long time, i dont know why. fear, maybe? i dont know. ever since i smoked weed with her n i fucking ended up fainting out of nowhere in the middle of the street, i've been incredibly embarrassed to show my face around her. Clearly all i do is embarrass myself.. anyway i havent seen her in a while. I moved to a new camp, dorm mates speak mostly arabic. they dont speak to me at all, the only one that speaks to me is the colombian girl and the african lady on the ground floor, but that's it. the arab ladies do not seem to interact with me at all unless it's to tell me i'm doing something wrong or that the smell of my cooking bothers them and that i should open a window. quite riveting.. weirdly enough it's been a consistent thing with them. I guess if i'm not muslim or dont speak arabic perhaps it can be difficult for them to interact or relate to me at all. I bond with the african lady downstairs about some of the stuff they do that irritates us since they love to own the entire place. I have to fight for my extra small space in the fridge. at this point i just order takeout so I don't have to cook, because it's genuinely upsetting just how packed they fill those fridges and how they never leave any space for me to put my things in, not to mention how they have a massive family dinner at all times and how it is genuinely uncomfortable being in the kitchen while the entire table is packed with them. I'm aware it's a cultural thing, but i'd really like a moment of peace when cooking at least once. it's been.. rough. I have no ill will towards them, they are fine people. I just think the way we grew up just clashes hard. They seem to be very family oriented, while I honestly value alone time and people not being around me much, especially strangers i don't know.

Anyway. the motivation to draw has been astronomically low. I can't seem to manage finishing a single commission. pending commissions mind you. these people have been waiting ages and I honestly feel so incredibly guilty. at this point i should just offer a refund. Ive been depressed with a lot of shit happening, including shit with my asylum procedure as well as shit going on with my passport. turns out shit is difficult when ur from venezuela. I honestly dont even know what the hell i'm going to be doing. Plus have been having people from the camp remind me of my impending doom, which is me having 3 negatives already and since im still waiting for the final response, they're basically pressuring an answer on what i'm going to be doing. well certainly not going back to Venezuela, that's for sure. I'd honestly rather die tbh (this is an exaggeration... but id rather anything else), unfortunately this is all they seem to be pushing. they had all latinos come together for a meeting only to tell us all that we are in the bottom of the barrel when it comes to politics and that the only option is to go back to our country despite we all having legitimate reasons on why we cannot go back (safety reasons mostly). these dutchies seem to believe that latin america is some strange paradise where horrible violence doesnt happen because it's not at war like some other countries. just because it's not at was it doesnt mean there's shootouts and horrible gang violence happening literally every single day. Your life can snuff out at any second. I'd rather be a homeless woman in any other country than go back there tbh. I'm not even from margarita or the safest area in venezuela. I happen to come from the most dangerous state from a town known for thugs. Might as well jump off a bridge tbh.

I am losing all hope and I'm desperately trying to stay afloat, though i feel like i might drown at any moment. the only thing keeping me alive is my boyfriend and my best friend, who makes me forget that the real world exists and keeps my mind focused on silly game streams and great jokes that make me laugh outloud. for a moment i can feel like my life is not falling apart all around me and I get to feel normal. I get to have some humanity, which can be hard when your asylum process constantly makes you feel like an alien, or a parasite. a potential criminal that can be removed by force at any moment. I hate it here so, so much. when my boyfriend comes over to visit it feels like genuine fantasy. the illusion of a normal life, where i get up in the morning to make breakfast for my boyfriend and fuck till kingdom come. Getting excited about being able to use the washing machine or the kitchen without having to worry about someone you barely know bother you, not having to constantly fight for my small corner in the fridge and have the ability to just buy groceries like normal and have the ability to cook at all times. Be a normal human being. it all feels so great until he has to leave and i come back to reality. a needle bursting my bubble and having to deal with all of the bullshit all over again, only it hits a lot harder every time he leaves. I would be dead by now if it weren't for these dudes tbh, though i don't know how much of this i can keep taking on. I just hope i can make it out alive. maybe if i distract myself enough I'll be able to make it through. it's how i've been dealing anyway. I just hope this year brings something, because it really feels as if im wasting years doing absolutely nothing in this god forsaken camp.

Dont believe in god but, please. if you do exist, throw me a fucking bone, man. I've suffered enough, any more of this and you'll jus break me in half, unless that's what you want. Give me a semblance of stability. Some form of success. A smidge of achievement, even a crumb would be appreciated. Give me something good, anything