so yay another blog,

it hasnt been good recently. The Husband of my teacher, whom im staying with really wants me out of his house. Apparently no matter what I do I just seem selfish to him, so yeah that's cool i guess. Seems like no matter what I do or try I'm always selfish, so go figure. I just wanna get out of this house. I cant stand being here. I don't even feel comfortable eating here anymore. Taking food or eating in front of him feels like an offence. Doesn't help that every time he sees me he dips immediately. Am I that unlikable? idk man.

Haven't been eating well either. I'm barely eating anything, if at all. I dont come upstairs for food, so usually I just dont eat any breakfast or lunch. sometimes i don't even eat dinner at all. Maybe i'll have a tea late at night when nobody is upstairs. It sucks. I want to be able to come to the kitchen, and make breakfast for myself without any worry at all. I miss making pancakes from scratch..

The ideal thing would be for me to have an apartment for myself, but I know that is a high fantasy. I don't even have a job, and the money I make from art is pitiful. Lost my graphic design job, they havent called me back at all, so im guessing they dont miss me in the slightest lol. It doesnt help that I also dont have valid working papers in this country, and talking about country, I also have to travel back to my family, who is in Holland. The issue here though, is that they don't want me to come straight through the dutch airport, they want me to come through france so like that they don't have me in the system. Covid is not helping at all, since these countries now have strict regulations, making everything extra complicated. Isn't it great being an immigrant huh.

I just wanna live a normal, uncomplicated life where I can have a normal job and just be able to do what I like to do.. Like, is that so hard to ask? It just seems like I never can catch a break. It's complication after complication after problems. Like, idk man, I'm getting real tired of this whole friggin thing. I just wanna go to college.. oh wait, college is expensive? and me and my family are poor? man that sucks.

I just hope things can get better, even just a tiny bit. It's likely that leaving on good terms with the family im living with isn't really gonna go as planned, but at least I hope i just... get to leave, and go back with my mother without being deported back to my country. I just want to be able to live a normal life for once.